Self Worth and Encouraging Others

I was thinking some more about the issue of helping others that we were discussing yesterday. One thing I wondered was whether there is another factor at play here besides our busy lives that prevents us from offering a word of encouragement or some help to others. Our own self worth.

If we perceive another person as "having it all together" or at least doing better than us, does that make us reluctant to encourage them? Do we assume that they don't need any encouragement? Or do we assume that encouragement from little óle us wouldn't be worth anything to them?

One thing I have been learning recently is that how I perceive things is not always how they are. I guess this should be rather obvious to me given that not everyone views me the same way that I view myself.

Which makes me pause for a moment and consider the fact that other people may be the same. Perhaps I perceive them as "having it all together" when in reality they're just as unsure about themselves as I am. If I would really appreciate some encouragement, the occasional helping hand or note just to say "hey, just wanted to make you smile today", perhaps others would as well.

Then of course there is the fear of rejection or humiliation. If the other person laughs at me or rejects my offer in some way, is that only going to confirm my initial assessment of myself? Can my fragile self esteem handle an adverse reaction of any kind?

I wonder then if I have done that to others. In my striving to appear to "have it all together", have I pushed other people away (unintentionally of course)? There is a large amount of humility required to admit you need help and then accept help.

Do we sometimes deny people the opportunity to give? There is a great blessing in giving. Whether it be the gift of time, goods, services, a smile, encouragement.....and the list goes on. When we refuse to accept those tentative offers, are we denying that person the blessing that comes through giving?

I think I have a lot more questions than I have answers right now but this topic is certainly challenging me to think.

Does anyone else have anything else to add to the discussion on giving and receiving? It does seem appropriate at this time of year. :-) What kinds of fears or other obstacles stand in the way of you either giving OR receiving?

There were some wonderful comments made in response to my post yesterday and I plan on answering them once this post is completed. I would however, like to highlight one particular comment for those of you who perhaps missed it.

Beth said:

We have had some similar struggles and have taken a long time to recover. Life as we knew it to be became scary and unpredictable. For us it was about 2 years for life to reflect 'normal'. We have grown from this experience and look for joy consciously each day (we list 4 things each that were a source of pleasure for us). We also list 4 things each that we did to bring joy to someone else (a concept from 'Eat Mangoes Naked' by SARK). Our kids love this and it helps us to actively look for them. I actually make a practice to write mine down (they make me smile again later when I re-read my list).

You can read her 4 things in each category at the time of her comment by visiting the comments section of HELP. What greater gift can we really offer to one another than to make another person smile? I think by far it's my favourite because it doesn't cost anything, doesn't *have* to take a lot of time and is VERY contagious. :-)

What a wonderful thing they are teaching their children. To actively seek joy in each day AND actively promote joy in other peoples lives. I LOVE this suggestion. Thank you so much for sharing it Beth. I'm going to start this with my own children.

What are you going to do today to bring a smile to another persons face? Perhaps you'd like to add your suggestions to the comments section so we can all share our ideas. :-)

HELP

I am REALLY bad at asking for help. It's a pride thing, I know. But I wonder if it's also a cultural thing. Once upon a time neighbours were more aware of people's situations and therefore their struggles and would automatically lend a hand at times. These days it would seem that a combination of our busy lifestyles and our desire not to "interfere" has made that sense of community gradually disappear.

Isn't it sad that our lives are so busy that we find it hard to fit in reaching out to another? Isn't it sad that our desire for privacy and "individuality" has caused us to shut others out of our lives?

What about help within a family? DH and I have been talking about this lately. We've been trying to work out why his parents seem to want to help his sister and her family and yet seem reluctant to help us out - even when it seems really obvious to us that we're in need of some help. At first I thought perhaps it was the son/daughter issue. BUT, he has 2 sisters and only one of them gets the attention and the help.

Is it that they're not interested in helping us? Do they love her more than they love my DH and the other siblings? Does she appear more "needy" than the rest of us?

Sadly, DH and I have come to the conclusion that the only way to get help from his mother is to basically "tell her" this is what's happening. Occasionally I have gotten to the point of actually asking her for help, only to have her turn me down. This was very perplexing to me as it takes me quite a lot to actually ask for help and when I ask, I'm really DESPERATE. Not that she would know that I guess.

DH has taken over the "asking" now and he basically says "we need you to have the kids.....". And 99% of the time that works out well. I struggle a little because I feel like we're being "demanding" and that we shouldn't expect anything from her. We should wait until it's offered. I guess we've waited for over a decade now...... It's not that she doesn't really want to help. It's sort of a case of "the squeaky wheel gets the oil".

I guess on reflecting on all of this I feel a great sadness. A sadness that we've all let our lives get so busy that we just don't have the time to reach out to others when they're in need. I know that before my breakdown I was as guilty of this as anyone. I also feel sad that many people feel they need to put on an act of "having it all together" and not opening up to others about how they're really feeling. Again, I'm really bad at this myself.

So many people have commented at how shocked they were when I had my breakdown. Nobody could even imagine that I'd be struck by something like depression. Even my poor DH was rather shocked by the whole event. Me, well.....I knew something wasn't right and that if things kept going the way they were I felt like I was going to collapse in a heap. To be honest, I did try to tell my DH about it. He thought he could "fix it". :-) He's Mr "fixit" himself. He and I make for a bad mix when it comes to getting help because neither of us is very good at admitting when we need it.

I wanted to tell someone. For months I had it in my head that if an opportunity would come up, I would say something to one of my closest friends. Sadly, the opportunity never came up. Maybe I was supposed to *make* the opportunity. Maybe I was so used to putting on a "front" that I didn't know how to let down my guard enough to show people the tank underneath had run completely dry.

When I saw a Psychiatrist for the first time in January of this year, he diagnosed me with having zero self esteem. Not "low" self esteem but "NO" self esteem. I remember sitting and talking with a friend about this (finally getting to the point of opening up and being more honest) and she was rather shocked. Her comment went something along the lines of thinking that no-one would EVER have picked that about me. Do people really see me so much differently to the way I see myself? Sometimes, I'd really like the opportunity to just sneak a peek at the way others see me. Curious minds want to know and all that.

It's ironic that now I sit behind a keyboard and spill my guts in such a very public way. Not that the whole world reads my blog or anything. But they could if they wanted to..... :-)

In 2006 I was out of circulation for many months. In that time I was sent 1 card. Just the one. If I had been in hospital, do you think I might have received more cards than that? Don't get me wrong. We weren't abandoned by our friends or anything like that. Many people from our church cooked meals and cakes for us. I did receive a few emails. And people were constantly asking my DH how I was going and sending their regards and love via him.

But just 1 person of all the people in my life took the time to actually sit down, write a card and send it. To be perfectly honest, that hurt me a little bit. I know my friends care. I know how busy they are. And it's challenged me to consider how often in my life I've stopped and taken the time to write someone a card. Just a note to let them know I'm thinking of them. Nowhere near often enough.

I have been as guilty as anyone else of filling my life up to capacity and then some. Running from one thing to another. Constantly on the go. Constantly running so close to empty that there's nothing left to give another person. The hearts desire might be there. But if I don't act on it, how can that person ever know I was thinking of them?

I think we all need to take a step back and really examine our lives. Are we too busy to help someone in need? Are we too busy to bake a cake for our own family, let alone find the time to bake a cake for a neighbour or friend? Are we so busy trying to tread water ourselves that we don't even notice those drowning around us? And if we do notice - are we in a position to help them without drowning ourselves?

This is a challenge I want to take on myself and I encourage any of you reading this to do so also. As we move into the busy, festive season and then in to a New Year. Do we really want to keep living this fast paced life where people don't matter enough to us? Can we pause a moment and take a step back long enough to look around us and see how others are doing? Can we pop a little note or card in the post telling someone how much they mean to us?

What can we do today to make someone smile? What can we do to make their day just that little bit brighter?

Some of you may have noticed I've changed the title of this blog. I felt the old title was rather long and cumbersome. The definitions I've posted underneath are my own. They're not who I AM but who I desire to be.

What can you do today to spread a little "lightening" in the world. :-)

The Spirit of Christmas

THE SPIRIT OF GIVING

With an emphasis on gifts, the spirit of giving is an obvious one at Christmas time. Unfortunately it's also the one that commercialism has exploited the most. But there are so many great ideas out there that involve giving without adding to peoples clutter and that still fit well within the ideals of simple living.

One of my favourites at the moment is the wide range of charity gifts that are now available and becoming more well known as each year passes. Last year I used Oxfam Unwrapped and World Vision Smiles Catalogue. This year I've used TEAR useful gifts. For those of you not in Australia, I'm sure there are similar projects available overseas.

These make great gifts for those "hard to buy for" type people. I also enjoy using them to go with a smallish handmade gift. I love the way the charities have set them up so that there is a great range in prices (and they don't usually include how much you've paid on the gift card they send so it's more like a "regular" type gift and there's not the pressure to spend "more" in order to impress/not feel cheap). I enjoy choosing things that I think the recipient will appreciate and writing a note to go with them as to why I've chosen that particular gift for that particular recipient (therefore making them more personal).

For example, last year my grandparents moved into a retirement village. They had always enjoyed a large garden and giving away lots of produce from that garden. So I bought them a vegetable garden for a family living in poverty and expressed how much I appreciated their giving spirit and that I thought they'd enjoy knowing they still had a garden somewhere and it was feeding people who really needed it.

This year I have bought $5 student packs for each of my child's teachers and will include that with some homemade goodies. I'm hoping that given their passion for education, they will enjoy the thought that a child somewhere in the world is being given an opportunity to learn. It doesn't need to be a lot of money to make a big difference and with LOTS of people making small contributions, BIG changes can be made in our world. :-)

Extended family are getting train a farmer packs (since DH is a farmer). We really LOVE the programs that give people skills and resources to go on and "help themselves". We also have started a tradition of purchasing something for our own family - to help our children maintain an awareness of others that don't have all that they do. This year I've purchased a vegetable garden pack because our children are so interested in our own vegetable garden at the moment.

I have had so much fun browsing online and selecting these gifts. It's such a "simple" way of Christmas shopping and truly embraces the spirit of giving.

I'm venturing a little more into homemade gifts this year. I've done some things in the past and at times have struggled with the concern that people would feel this is me being "cheap". At that point in my life, I didn't really place a high enough value on my time. Now that I understand a bit more about the value of time, I feel more comfortable in myself about giving homemade gifts.

One thing I am learning as I make this journey toward a simpler lifestyle is the fact that all time isn't created "equally". Many people would argue that the time it takes to make something really isn't worthwhile. That it would be better to go out to work, earn the money and purchase the item. I've been thinking about this one lately as I'm in the process of knitting a dress for DD's barbie doll. My intention was to knit a couple of items to use as a gift for her at Christmas time. I think I've lost count of the number of hours it has taken me so far. Yes, I will save a few $$ over buying something. But that isn't really the point is it? There are many, many hours of love poured into that tiny little garment. And while I've been knitting it, not only has love been poured into it, but the love in my heart has grown. It's been an interesting experience really and not at all like I expected it to be. There is also the factor of how much more I'm enjoying it than I could ever imagine enjoying working to earn the money saved, then having to go out shopping to buy a product that might be cheap but also wouldn't be as nice (I hope). But the way the love interaction has worked - that I didn't expect. It's not something that money can buy.

There are an almost endless number of ideas out there for homemade gifts. You only have to do a search on the internet to find many more than you'd ever have time to use. LOL. I will mention one of my favourite websites though (no doubt many of you have already seen and/or used it).

Organized Christmas

I particularly like the printable labels they offer - it's a way to make your gift look that little bit more "finished" (unless you're incredibly creative and can do your own - which I'm not really).

Giving doesn't stop at gifts though does it. You can give the gift of time. There are plenty of charities and community organisations out there desperate for an extra pair of hands at this time of year. Sadly time is something that we all seem to be short of these days, especially at this time of year.

You can give the gift of a smile. How many people do you see rushing about the stores wearing a smile. I wonder what would happen if you were to wander through a crowded shopping centre just giving people the gift of a smile? I remember when I was in year 12 and having a particularly stressed out day. I went down to the library to "study" (or attempt to lol). We had a section of the library set aside for the year 12's to use during their free lessons. I walked into the library and the librarian gave me the most wonderful smile. He didn't have to say anything. I very much doubt he would even have known my name to say hello to. But he gave me something very special that day. So much so that I wrote a poem in my English journal (yes, it was study - lol - we were supposed to write in our journals every day). I won't frighten you with my version of poetry (lol) but here we are more than 15 years later and that experience was so profound for me that I've never forgotten just how powerful a simple smile can be. It certainly turned my day around that particular day.

I'm sure we could come up with quite a list of ideas for giving. Feel free to share your own ideas in the comments section (or feel free to blog about it yourself and link back to here if you like). Interestingly enough, as I was reading my regular blogs yesterday I came across this post on A Bootyful Life . There are some wonderful ideas listed for ways in which we can give. Perhaps some that you haven't thought of. I know there were some that I hadn't really considered as ways of giving.



THE SPIRIT OF FORGIVING

This one isn't an easy one and is such a complex subject that we could probably fill a novel on the ins and outs of forgiveness. There seems to be something about Christmas that can make us that little bit more open to the idea of forgiving one another. I guess perhaps it has something to do with the love that abounds at that time of year (sometimes ;-) ).

I won't go into great depth about this but just wanted to share a couple of quotes with you.

"When I chose to forgive, I realised a prisoner was set free...and that prisoner was me!" (Debbie Morris: Author of Forgiving Dead Man Walking - at 16 she was kidnapped by 2 men and raped repeatedly over the course of 36 hours)

"Forgiveness does not remove the fact or event of wrongdoing but instead relies upon the recognition of the wrong having been committed, in order for the process of forgiveness to be made possible." (Joanna North, "Exploring Forgiveness" p17)

"Forgiveness is another way of saying, 'I'm human. I make mistakes. I want to be granted that privilege, and so I grant you that privilege'." (Philip Yancey)

"What is annulled in the act of forgiveness is not the crime itself, but the distorting effect that this wrong has upon one's relations with the wrongdoer and perhaps with others". (Joanna North, "Exploring Forgiveness" p17)

Is there someone you could extend the "spirit of forgiveness" to this season?


THE SPIRIT OF "YOU MEAN SOMETHING TO ME"

Sadly, Christmas seems to have become for some the "season of obligation". The feeling of dread over family get togethers and all the family politics and conflict that may arise (or just be an undercurrent of tension the whole day). The "I HAVE to buy a present for so and so" type issues. And of course, the dreaded Christmas card list. :-)

I'm not condemning anyone for having those feelings. Most of them have come about for a very good reason. Families do often have tensions - add some alcohol into the mix and some very hurtful things can be said. Present buying out of obligation really isn't much fun at all. And there is some validity to the whole "Christmas cards just add to landfill" argument.

I see a couple of issues that seem to get in the way of the Christmas spirit here. One of them is the spirit of "me". We look to Christmas for what we get OUT of it rather than what we could GIVE. The other is the spirit of obligation. If you give because you feel like you HAVE to rather than because you WANT to, the spirit of giving becomes overwhelmed by the spirit of obligation.

This year I want to challenge you (and I'm challenging myself in this one as well) to take the time to tell someone how much they mean to you (or have meant to you at some time in the past). How often do people touch our lives and we never tell them? I know there are plenty of people in my life that I've failed to tell them how special they are and/or were to me. It's easy to assume that people don't want to hear how much they mean to us. Perhaps that's too mushy or too personal. Perhaps we think that it wouldn't mean much to someone that appears to have it all together. Let me tell you, it matters. It makes a difference.

Are Christmas cards simply landfill? If they're written with a sense of obligation, yes. If they're written with the intention of reaching out to others, then I say no. I have to admit that I'm often not all that great with sending out Christmas cards. It gets put off until it's too late. But just sending 1 card with heartfelt meaning will mean more than sending out 50 hurriedly written "out of obligation" cards.

So there you have it - just a few thoughts from me on the "spirit of Christmas" :-)

On the Subject of Giving

Ooh...2 posts from me today. :-)

My beautiful 6 year old daughter has just written a song that I wanted to share.

MY LOVE SONG

I Love You
I Love You
Oh I do
I Love You Mum
I Love You Dad

I Love You
I Love You
Oh I do
I Love You Mum
I Love You Dad

I Love You
I Love You
Oh I do

Isn't that beautiful? And she just sang it to me. Kids are so willing when it comes to giving and receiving aren't they. :-)

I Love Surprises!!!

Last night my counsellor arrived bearing gifts. That took me by surprise. A lovely gift basket with some nice pampering type things in it. Some kind person had donated some money to her organisation for people on the land doing it tough at the moment. It was a lovely gift basket full of the kinds of things you perhaps wouldn't buy when money is tight (shower gel, hand cream and all kinds of things). It felt like my birthday had come a week early. :-) A complete stranger (well I'm making the assumption it's a stranger) gave something of theirs (money) without any consideration of thanks or praise (anonymously) to someone they know nothing about (other than that they're on the farm and farming hasn't been real great these past few years). It's kind of mind blowing really. At least to me it is.

It got me thinking about giving and receiving. I'm not very good at receiving at times. Often I feel undeserving for one reason or another. I wouldn't want anyone else to miss out on my account. And yet in order to give people the blessing that comes from giving, someone has to receive. I've decided I need to work on being able to receive graciously.

Then comes the giving side of a coin. How amazing is it when we receive something that we don't deserve - or something completely unexpected. It brings with it a really special feeling of warmth and caring. So this week I'm going to consider what I can do to give to someone else "just because". Not necessarily anything big or expensive but something to let them know I'm thinking of them and want to bring a smile to their face. Will have to think some more on this one as to who and what.

Wouldn't the world be a wonderful place if we all took the attitude of giving to one another out of love rather than out of obligation? And if we were more willing to accept things graciously (without the - what's in this for them type suspicion we sometimes have).

I would love to begin each day with the thought - what can I do today to bring a smile to someone's face?