Keeping The Home Fires Burning

We often hear of the term "keeping the home fires burning" in reference to the importance of one parent staying at home full time. The idea being that part of this person's role is to make the home a warm and welcoming one (just like a warm fire makes a home feel warm and welcoming). There is another kind of "fire" in a home that needs some effort to keep alight though. That of the relationship between a husband and wife.

My DH and I have been married for over 11 years now. In some ways it seems like yesterday that we got married. In other ways, it feels like a lifetime of ups and downs through that decade plus. I don't know what the average length of a marriage is these days, but I do know that now more than ever we have to be prepared for a lot of hard work if we wish to keep our marriages for a lifetime.

For those of you who have been through a marriage or long-term relationship breakdown, my heart goes out to you. Please don't feel in this post that I'm saying you could have avoided that happening. I understand that relationships break down for all kinds of reasons, some of them unavoidable. I guess what I'm really trying to do with this post is reflect on my own marriage relationship and what we've learnt so far.

My DH and I have what I would describe as a reasonably good relationship. We seem to be well matched personality wise and we're more than just husband and wife, we're best mates as well. That doesn't mean though, that it's all plain sailing and that our marriage so far hasn't been without it's problems.

To be honest, in some ways it surprises me that we survived even the first year of our marriage. It wasn't the easiest of years. DH was working very long hours in the family business and being paid a pittance of a wage. I was working part-time in a job that caused me a lot of stress and while my income wasn't huge, we chose to put that away in case we fell pregnant - so that we weren't used to living on 2 incomes. Combined, DH and I were earning around an average income. We took on too many other commitments so much of the time we did have together was spent focused on these pursuits. There was a marriage break-down within DH's family that tore us apart in ways we weren't expecting and alienated us from his family. Issues with other siblings and so on. It felt like we were living in a pressure cooker.

When we had our first child after not quite 2 years of married life, DH continued to work long hours while I stayed at home with the baby. It wasn't until we had our second child and DH was around a little more that he even realised how much of our first child's early years he had missed out on. I struggled with a certain amount of loneliness and isolation that being at home with a young baby can bring and the times that DH was around, I was ready for him to give me a break from the baby. There wasn't a lot of energy left to connect with him.

There was a certain amount of conflict with DH's work and our need to live closer to where he was working. Unfortunately, when we finally moved out to the farm, while we did get to see a little more of DH (on and off throughout the day), it also brought the conflict to our back door. We still felt like we were living in a pressure cooker.

I was the kind of mum that was very attached to my children. The thought of leaving them, especially overnight, caused me a great amount of grief. On the couple of occasions that we did manage to leave them, I would feel so sick the whole time that it was hard to relax and connect with DH.

Over and over I have heard people say that it is important for a husband and wife to spend time together away from their children. Whether that takes the form of a "date night" or a few days away together is probably less important than the fact that you get away and have that time without children on a regular basis.

It's only now, almost a decade after having my first child, that I'm finally learning the importance of that when it comes to "keeping the home fires burning". Comments like "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and "quality time is more important than quantity time" leave me somewhat confused.

What I've found in my marriage relationship is that the less DH and I talk to one another, the easier it becomes NOT to talk to one another. That the more time we spend together, the more time we WANT to spend together. And that we need QUANTITY time together before we actually reach the level of QUALITY time.

I guess that's another gift that Simple Living brings to our lives. The opportunity to spend quantity time together. To relax, chat, go away for a few days or whatever. In the past, we've often been too busy. A couple of years ago we instituted the idea of a "date night" where we'd drop the kids off at Granny's and have a meal together. The idea was there but the institution proved somewhat difficult and I think we managed to get out about 3 times during that first year, instead of once a month like we'd planned.

This year, with life at a slower pace, we've managed to get out more often. And now, in the past 2 weeks we've been away from the kids overnight TWICE. lol. It wasn't originally planned quite that way but it's how things have worked out. We find when our lives get busy, it's our time together that's the first thing to be sacrificed. I know it *should* be more important to us but I guess it puts up the least resistance to being dropped and so that's what happens.

I think it's also one of the sad things about families living so spread out these days. It gets harder and harder for couples to get away and leave children with extended family while they get a break and the opportunity to rekindle their relationship with one another. We were very blessed this week as my parents are not as busy as usual right at the moment so they had the time to come over (they don't live all that close to us) and stay with the kids in their own environment while we went away. Add to that the fact that DH's parents own a shack which is empty at this time of year and we were given an opportunity that didn't even cost us a lot of money. I know it isn't always that easy so I feel very grateful that we were given this opportunity.

On the first morning we both slept in until 9.10am which was quite a surprise when we're used to being woken up much earlier. LOL. So surprising in fact that we hadn't bothered to set an alarm and we had to leave at 10am as we had booked the car in to get the windows tinted. Funnily enough we managed to have a cooked breakfast as well as shower and get ready to go in less than 50 minutes. When you've spent a decade getting kids ready, you forget how long it takes to get ready when you're just the 2 of you. :-)

So, we've had a lovely time away. The opportunity to catch up on some sleep as well as some beautiful meals together. And we've talked and connected and recognised the fact that this is something we need to do more often if we're going to "keep our home fires burning". :-)

With all the lovely benefits of DH not working so much this year, I'm not sure if I'm going to want him to return to a full workload next year. It's going to be interesting to see what happens.

Our House Plan

For those who are interested, here is the rough sketch of our house design. This was the original drawing that I drew which then had to be draughted into a "proper" design. But this gives you an idea of the layout anyway. I'm not sure how clear it is going to come out but if you click on the picture it should enlarge.

The left hand side is the front of the house so you enter into the lounge room through the front door. The "back" is at the top of the picture and we have sliding doors entering the dining area as our "back" door.

When we were looking at existing designs, we wanted all the living areas to be on one side (the North side) overlooking the backyard. We also didn't want the children's bedrooms to be at the opposite end of the house to our room (given our children are still young). That and the fact that we decided to do away with having an ensuite (and most larger houses these days have them) were the things we found difficult to find in an existing design.

Plus if you've ever looked into transportable homes much - they tend to have very small kitchens and laundrys. I lost count of the number of times I was told "you have a big kitchen and laundry" by people working in these companies. I spend half my time in those 2 rooms so it made sense to me to have the space I wanted there! It's kind of sad the way the kitchen and laundry have become such unimportant places in modern homes.

Since this drawing, we did make a couple of changes. The major one was to shift the master bedroom built in robe to the wall it shares with the laundry. That enabled us to move the door into the master bedroom over and create a privacy door so that the bathroom can essentially be used as an ensuite (even though we only have the one bathroom). I didn't know what dimensions I needed to use for toilets and showers etc so the whole block for that area was left for the builders to complete. We do have the toilet separate from the bathroom though.

Basically there is a sliding door from the family room that opens into a small alcove. Turn left to go into our bedroom, right for the toilet or straight ahead for the bathroom. By shutting the sliding door, I essentially turn the bathroom into an ensuite and can privately move between the bathroom and our bedroom.

In an effort to not waste any space, the only "passageways" in the place are that alcove and a similar one coming off the lounge room to go into either the 2nd toilet or the office.

My biggest concern while we were waiting for the house to be built was whether or not the large open area of the kitchen/dining/family room would look long and narrow (as these houses can't be built too wide due to transport). Fortunately it doesn't and it suits our kind of lifestyle perfectly. Our children love it when we're nearby and I love it when we have visitors and I can be doing something in the kitchen and talking to them at the table at the same time (our last house the kitchen was kind of tucked away more).

So that gives you a little bit of a picture of what our home looks like. :-) I hope you enjoyed the brief little tour. LOL.

Paving

Did you notice in the photo I posted of our house yesterday that instead of a path of weeds like the last photo I posted, we now have a lovely paved path full of character? Well, I wouldn't have expected you to notice that. :-)

My clever DH has been at it again. Lately he's been getting quite a few little house projects done which is soooo exciting. :-) One of the benefits of him not working as much this year is having the time to get a few things done that have been waiting for some time now.


Here's a direct comparison for you. It does look a bit less green I guess but it'll save me having to weed the front path all the time (or have it looking scrappy). Hopefully it'll cut down a bit on the dirt and mud being dragged into the house as well.





Here is a close up of the path. The slate was collected from our other farm so the only cost we had was about $40 worth of concrete mix. DH bought himself a cheap concrete mixer to make a path out the back for the kids to ride on and it has well and truly paid for itself already (compared with paying someone to come in and do the work for us).


I love the character of the stone. I think it's so much more natural looking than paving bricks. Although we do intend to use bought paving bricks under our pergola sometime down the track as we want a more even finish.

This shows how the path goes around to the gate that DH made not that long ago. When the kids get home from school they walk along the path and through the gate to come in the back door.

I think he's intending to put some of this paving on the other side of the gate as well.

I feel so blessed to have a DH who can add some lovely touches to our home without it costing us a lot of money. There's a lot of satisfaction in those DIY projects as well.

Home

Today the whole family has been home. It's beginning to feel like that's a rare occurence these days. No football today so we all enjoyed a quiet day pottering about the place. Actually, DH has just taken DS to a sleepover party but up until mid-afternoon, we've all been here together.

I spent some time in the kitchen. The kids helped me make some buns (I made the dough in the breadmaker) and then I made some pies. Mmmm....there's nothing like the smell of baking to make a house a home. :-) Warm fresh pies with real chunks of beef and real butter in the pastry!

DH spent most of the day outside building a gate and fence and painting it to match in with our house. I'm so proud of him. He's used all recycled materials except for the hinges, latch and 1 post.



The gate he cut down from a rectangular gate that must have been a part of the garden here a long time ago (there was a very old house here that we had to bulldoze as it wasn't really in good enough condition to fix up). It feels really special to have a part of this farms heritage as part of our home - like a connection to the past in some way. The fence he built out of some pieces of timber he found under the shearing shed. Even the paint was paint we had leftover from painting the front verandah. :-)

In thinking about making a house a home, it got me thinking about how far we've come in the past 5 years. From making the decision to build our own house and move here, to designing the house, getting it ordered, built and then trucked here. And THAT is really only the beginning!!! Verandah, fences, garden, lawn, base infill, carport, steps.... and the list goes on.

Here's some of our progress:



This is what the place looked like just after it had been unloaded from the truck. Dirt all around and some pallets for steps. My FIL did end up rigging up a kind of handrail for those "steps" for me as I fell down them one day (during one of my seemingly endless trips between one house and the other with all our stuff)! They were our front steps for a few months. :-)

Now, just over 2 years later, this is what it looks like:



You can even see DH's gate to the side there. :-) The next stage is to put down some slate around this garden area and up the front path. We have plenty of it on our other farm (an earthy colour slate not a black slate) so it seems like a good material to make use of. There is currently some gravelly type stuff on the path to the front door (otherwise it would be a complete mud bowl) but it's a lot of work trying to keep the weeds down. My poor roses have taken a bit of a battering in recent weeks with heavy winds and heavy frosts. They'll bounce back though. You can't really tell, but there are flower carpet roses in the garden there as well. I'll have to take another photo when they're in full bloom. I LOVE them as they flower for so many months of the year (and unfortunately this month isn't one of them).

It's good to reflect on the progress we have made as at times our minds are so full of what we want to do next that we feel like we're not getting anywhere.

OK. One last photo for today:



Can you really have a home without a pet? This is Max and he's my baby. He's less than a year old and has such a beautiful nature. He often "stands guard" at the back door (or curls up asleep on the mat). Our backyard is to the north so most days it's a nice sunny spot. And if he's hungry he likes to duck inside as soon as the door opens and see what little tidbits the kids have spilt under the table. I love it - makes my clean up job so much easier. :-)

I guess that's enough photo's for today. I might post some of the backyard another time. I'm sure my tortilla dough has had enough time resting. My arms have been getting a good workout today - rolling out pastry and now kneeding and rolling (well I'm about to roll) tortilla dough. Chicken wraps tonight with homemade tortillas (hopefully - this is my first attempt lol) and fresh lettuce I picked from the garden only half an hour ago.